Unidentified Ramblings of a Tofu Obsessed Witch
by l'istesso
Summary: Follow Lilsie, Jamsie, and Kari Beary through their 'lovers' spats' christened by Karies, fuzzy things on the floor that isn't carpet, and Star Boy's obsession with eating things from under Remus's bed. Insanity and Tofu Galore. Prev. pename: omgeeze


Unidentifiable Ramblings of a Troubled, Tofu Obsessed, Witch

I own nothing except Karies and maybe Dinglybopperfooshemadoogat.

I'm so bad, starting another story. Tsk, tsk, tsk. Ah, well I have much more time on my hands now that i don't have to do my... MATH HOMEWORK! Woot. Okay, going onto the story... BAM!

_"In Heaven, all the interesting people are missing." -Friedrich Nietzsche_

Dude, that guy is awesome.

P.S: Karies is pronounced Care-Ease and Dinglybopperfooshemadoogat is pronounced Ding-lee-bopper-foosh-ee-ma-do-get

Lily is pronounced Bob.

..

Jus messing with your minds. hahahaha. ONWARDS!

9.21 Griffie Commons...

I sincerely, deeply, HATE...

cabbage.

What? Did you think i was going to say carrots, like every other mansy, pansy with red hair? I think not.

My name is Lily Evans and I pride myself on being different.

I don't hate my fecking hair, I use profanity, and I am not afraid to tell James Potter that he is a fuckwit.

Which I do. Repeatedly. Everyday.

**I am wounded! **

Fuckwit.

I'm not going to go off into a detailed description of how painfully pretty my friends are and how I feel ugly in comparison because, I can say, easily, that I am prettier than them.

My bloodline is laced with Veela and Esperante, but unlike my mother, I do not have long, painfully straight, blonde hair. I have slightly longer-than-shoulder length, layered, deep auburn hair, which is almost always in a ponytail because thats how I do my hair, and I do what I want, no matter what my mother says. The social ladder climbing... ehg.

Okay, but back to the cabbage thing, how the feck would anyone get the color of fecking cabbage from my eyes? They are a nice shade of green, okay? OKAY?

Stupid fuckwit Potter.

I need some fecking tofu.

---

9.21 Later...

Got my tofu. Yum.

Karies had it waiting for me when i got back up to the dorms.

She then informed me that she had heard my melodic tones from the dungeons and swiftly rushed to retrieve tofu for me.

Feck that. She was probably in the Kitchens and a gossip monger told her me and Potter got into another spat.

I told her my feelings and I was right on the money. And of course we had to uphold our wondrous tradition of coughing up a galleon when any of us guesses something exactly to the tee. How I love that tradition.

Okay, maybe I will describe Karies, because she is wonderf-

_Hahahahhaahahaha, Lileeeeeeeeee has a diary. _

_I'm perfectly able to write about myself, thank you very much. _

_Oh, and arrogant much, Miss "I'm prettier than my friends"?_

_Damn, I'm in for it when she finds me. _

_Okay, here is me... Blond hair, little bit longer than shoulder length, big curls, blue eyes. Living Goldilocks, right? _

_Lils, stop laughing, you'll be suprised at the amount of teachers who believe my excuses just because I look like Goldilocks. _

_Shut up. At least I don't wear my hair in pigtails and skip around in a merry, little blue dress. I might if the merry little blue dress was low cut and 5 inches above the knee. That would be hot. But still, I have at least half of the male population drooling. _

_Damn you Lily, you stole the other half of my men._

Isn't she pleasant? I think so. Eh, who cares if she's a lunatic, she got me tofu. And I got a galleon. Yum.

---

9.22 Griffie Commons

Oh my.

Yesterday, I was a very steamed up chappie.

Jamsie isn't really my enemy... he actually is one of my "best friends", I mean come on, do best friends really insult each other to pieces like me, Karies, and Jamsie do? Who cares.

We do get into a load of arguments though. Karies has christened them "lovers' spats".

Lovers' spats my arse.

He's the one who jumps up my arse about my 'coloring'.

**And she's the one who jumps up my ass about... well, nothing really. Are you up there just for fun, Lilsie?**

**And what is this about best friend? Awwww, I'm so flattered Lilsie. CUDDLETIME FOR THE BWEST FWENDS EVWER. **

Fuckwit.

**What is this? Kari Beary has gotten a description, but me, James Potter, your abso-bloody-lutely dishy best lad friend, does not?**

Again, I repeat. You. Are. A. Fuckwit.

**Fine, be that way. I'll do it my own bloody self. **

**6 foot 2, adorable mop of messy raven colored hair, to-die-for chocolate brown eyes, killer smile, well built, chaser... **

Don't flatter yourself now.

Why do I associate with these people?

Oh yeah, because we look good when we walk down the halls.

Duh.

---

9.23 Boysiepies Dormies

Why, you may ask, are we hanging about in the boys dorms?

Are we sluts?

Are we Sirius' ho's?

Nope, nope, and nope.

We are in the Boys Dorm because; Jamsiepie is a boy.

And the common room is full.

And he can't go in the girls dorms.

So, alas, we proceeded into the cesspit they call their room. Dis-bloody-gusting.

I think something bit me on the way to James' part of the room, which amazingly, is the cleanest part. Not that that really says anything.

Mostly, the only difference is that Sirius' part has fuzzy stuff on the floor, which is weird because there isn't even carpet in their dorm, and something seems to be growling under Remus and Peter's beds. Oh my. Not sitting there.

So we were sitting, torturing James by talking animatedly about makeup and hair products. Both of which neither me or Karies use that often.

Then- the growling thing, under Remus' bed- it jumped out. In the form of Sirius Black.

He's a nutter.

Now he's asking why we are in the MENS ROOM.

I see no men.

I see a pansy who hides under beds growling. And I said so.

I am no pansy! I am Sirius Black, the almighty dishiest lad on the face of the planet!

Who gave you the bleeding sugar quills?

I just ate whatever was under Remus' bed.

Bless Him.

Go to Madam Murey, you dolt. I have no doubt that whatever you ate was poisonous.

Haha. He just turned green and ran in the general direction of the Hospital Wing.

Kar and Jamsie are looking at us like we are insane because we haven't spoken and Sirius just took off running.

"We were writing in the bleeding book, we don't need to be sent to an asylum!"

I found a positively nifty spell in the library (never, EVER, say that again. EVER.) that lets you think what you wanna write. Because my hand stated to cramp. Ouchies.

Ooh, does Potter have tofu?

Damn, I'm in a happy mood today.

Which probably attributes to the fact that I'm acting like a lunatic on wheels. WOO. Okay, I'm done now.

..

Okay, just once more.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Okay, I'm done.

---

9.23 Transfiguration, Oh my.

Woo. Note-taking. I really love this charm, especially for notes. All I have to do is read the board and I'm done.

Positively wondrous.

_The properties of the Ictusio Spell consists of 3 parts, one being the wording, which presents the idea that we will be transfiguring a biting, vicious creature into something else, due to its name in Latin. The second property..._ blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I got it down already. All up in the noggin.

Psh. I'll copy Karies later. Or Jamsie.

Eh, nope. Today he is off with his _other_ friends. Mostly because Karies is having _'female issues'. _Thats mostly when he runs off with his band of bum boys.

I can almost hear him telling me:

**"How many times do I have to tell you, Lilsie? We aren't the _'Band of Bum Boys' _as you so eloquently put it. We are the _Marauders. M-A-R-A-U-D-E-R-S."_**

He has issues.

I mean come on, who would rather hang around Constellation and The Walking Dictionary than us?

Oh right, the whole female population.

And Jamesie.

Actually, what is up with that? Is he gay?

I'm gonna ask him.

---

9.23 Jamesiepie's Transfiguration Textbook

Haha. You're a geek. You read textbooks.

**Do you see Remus over there? He's making me. He has very sharp teeth and will use them if I don't comply.**

That sounds a little... off.

Which leads me to my next question... Are you gay?

**What!**

Are you gay... you know, a pansy, poof, cross dresser, ect.

**No, Lilsie. I have a girlfriend. Remember, Martha Brookington. Blonde, green eyed, leggy?**

No. I have no idea who you are talking about.

**Oblivious. You need to eat more fish.**

Why fish?

**Fish helps your memory and makes you smarter. All Remus eats is fish. Or at least I think. **

Hmm. I don't like fish.

**Sucks for you. You are doomed to a life of being dumb, with short term memory loss.**

Sounds pleasant.

---

9.25 Arithmancy

Why do I take this class? It's fecking math. I hate math. Hate it.

I could be in Divination, making up someones unfortunate, untimely, demise and be receiving top marks. Easy Peasy.

But, NOOOOO. I had to be DIFFERENT and choose fecking MATH instead of predicting DEATH.

Okay. Done.

Ooh, Professor Dinglybopperfooshemadoogat is coming over here. I think his real name is Professor Gray, but thats no fun. Just like fecking MATH. Better put something about Arithman-

_Arithmancy is one of the most prized subjects in the whole academic system of Hogwarts. You will..._

Ha. he bought it. Sucker.

_All you ever do is write in here now! I feel so unbelievably neglected!_

I take it your off the week of death then?

_You know me all too well._

_We should celebrate with a trip to the Kitchens with Jamsie and have cookies for me and him and, of course, tofu for your lunatic self._

Sounds good. He needs to be informed of this joyous occasion.

So I did what any other best friend would do. Poked him in the back with my newly sharpened quill.

He screeches like a woman.

..

You almost made Dinglybopperfooshemadoogat suspicious, you dolt.

**You poked me in the back with a pointy object! **

I only wanted to inform you that we are having a celebration of the end of Karies' week of death.

**Yay. You mean to say, that she won't bite me if I tell her she's a cow, now?**

No, she still will.

**Then what's the cause of celebration?**

You want cookies or not?

**Cookies.**

Then I'll see you at 9 in the Griffie Commons. Bring your shiny cloak. I like it.

---

9.26 Boys Dorms. FRIDAY NIGHT BABY!

Okay, if its Friday night, why are we sitting in the cesspit of doom gossiping with Jamsie? Oh yeah, because of our stupid tradition of sitting around boys dorm every friday night catching up. We were very stupid eleven year olds.

_So Jamsie, what's this I hear about you and a certain Martha Brookington?_

**I broke up with her last week. She was too clingy. Like a leech.**

**-group shudder-**

So Karies, what's this I hear about you and a certain Constellation Boy?

_Sirius is actually a star._

Don't stroke his ego.

**So, are you denying it? Because that means we will just have to go ask Star Boy himself... and he will never ever shut that black hole he calls a mouth.**

_I'm not saying anything._

You just want him to come over here.

_Alas, you see right through me. No really, there's nothing. I like that one guy. With the eyes. _

**Well that sure narrows it down.**

Don't you know it.

---

9.27 DumbyDores Office of Doom with Jamesie and Kar

Okay, so here's the dilio, We were going to the kitchens for tofu and ice cream, right? Then I saw this HUMONGO spider on the wall. So I screamed. Then Karies screamed because I scared her by screaming. And Jamesie forgot his shiny cloak. And Filchipie and his horrid cat came and found us.

I told you to bring the shiny cloak.

**It wasn't my fault!**

Uh huh. We never get caught with the shiny cloak.

**Well duh, it is an invisibility cloak.**

Still your fault.

_Can we safely say that it wasn't my fault?_

No. **NO.**

It was Jamesies fault because he forgot the shiny cloak.

It was my fault for screaming like a lunatic at the spider.

And it was Karies fault for screaming with me.

But most of all, it was Filch's fault for catching us.

**He should di-**

Time for punishment.

Ooh, that doesn't sound right.

**---**

**9.27 Later... Griffie Commons**

**Haha, Lily, I stole your D-I-A-R-Y.**

**She's in detention.**

**Dumblydore said we each had to do a detention. And Lilsie, ever the angel, did hers right after it was assigned. VOLUNTARILY. **

**And she says I'm insane? Yeah. And Horses eat hay. Oh wait. They do.**

..

**Okay. Bye bye. I have to go save Sirius because- I GOT TO GO!**

**---**

9.28 Land of the Boring History of Magic

My desk says Kari Beary and Lilsie and Jamsie are BFFs 4eva.

Woah. We carved that in 2nd year. Haha. James is such a girl. He put a cloud around it. Tardhead.

You know what else my desk says?

_I like the eat stuff that I find on the floor. -SB the dishiest lad in the world beechesssssssssss._

His words, not mine.

_Karies Amore is the hottest girl ever who lived in the world. I LOVE YOU KARIES, ALWAYS. -Sevvie_

Ew. That was disturbing.

SNAPE LIKES KARI BEAR! Gross. BLLLLLLEECHCCHHCHHHC.

Excuse my vomit.

---

So theres the first chapter!

Review and I'll love you forever.


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